I Have A Solution To This Anti-Vaxx Crisis


close up injection instrument plastic
Now with 100% MORE bullshit pseudoscience!

As most of you know, we’re in the futuristic year of 2019. When I was a child in the early nineties thinking about the year two-thousand plus, I marveled at the technology that we would have. Better video games! Hover boards! Chromed out EVERYTHING! But no. Instead, we have reverted back to the forties with our re-introduction of Nazis, Russians and diseases that we long thought were eradicated.

When my grandpa used to say what goes around comes around, I really don’t think this is what he meant.

There’s been a measles outbreak in Oregon and more recently, New York. A child has spent 47 days in ICU from developing tetanus. Teenagers who have never been vaccinated are fighting for their right to be vaccinated. The world is a crazy place.

Now listen, I can’t do much about the racism or the Russians, but with this solution I’ve developed, I can combat this anti-vaxx movement clear out of oblivion. I’m talking this campaign is the Finish Him uppercut into the spike pit.

Let me lay it down.

The biggest argument most anti-vaxxers use is that vaccines will cause autism. You know, because a dead child is clearly better than an autistic child. These aren’t logical individuals, so I needed to think of an illogical, but effect solution. Given the current political climate, one of the other things we’re still battling racism. So, why don’t we at least weaponize it and use it for good? Let’s pit everyone’s ableism against their racism. Racism usually wins. Think about it.

We start with a generic white family laughing and smiling after a long day. Dad is happy that he nailed the business deal. Mom is cooking a delicious dinner. The kids are playing with the family dog. Grandma’s there too. It’s all smiles and good times to be had.

Then, one of the children cough. Oh no! The mom pauses to look at her child in concern.

Suddenly, a huge black dude busts down the door. He’s wearing a shirt that says “Pertussis” on it. Everyone gasps in shock and stops what they were doing.

Pertussis has come to fuck up everyone’s day.

Pertussis smacks the cooking spoon away from mom and starts eating food with his bare hands. The fuck is anyone going to do against Pertussis?

Fucking nothing, that’s what.

Pertussis punches little Timmy out the way. He begins to cry.

“Timmy!” The mother weeps.

Pertussis points to the woman, “You did this!”

Then he heads over to grandma, knocks her to the ground and starts punching her with a Billy Blanks-like cadence. All the while, he repeatedly yells, “You did this!!” While the wife cries and the family does nothing.

Then the screen goes black and just says, “You did this. Vaccinate.”

I know the commercial will probably get pulled but I’m damn sure it’ll leave a lasting impression on those who see it. The Russians and Nazis may not be going away, but at least we can keep these diseases at bay. That way we can at least be healthy enough to fight in World War 3 if climate change doesn’t take us out first.


      • LOLOLOLOLOL. Can you imagine a huge black man, on a daily basis, tailing a white man all day long – I think we’ll finally reach the golden era of silence of the white man. I look forward to it.


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