When I was born, I decided to really lean in on minority bingo. I am a biracial bisexual. I did it to make people’s heads explode and complicate things for myself. I’m not quite gay enough for some, but not straight either and I’m not quite black enough, because let’s be real, that line moves daily and often.
I did not choose to be who I am. A set of genetic dispositions or some cosmic being decided to place me here at this point and time to have me bear witness to ignorant people showing their ass. If you’ve watched any show in the last twenty years, you know what I’m talking about.
We’re evil. We want sex. We’re corrupting heteronormative standards because we just can’t choose who we want to fuck! We’re fucking your girlfriends! Hell, we’re fucking your boyfriends! EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US wants a three way. All of us. Because we really can’t get enough sex. So. Much. Sex. We’re the sluttiest sluts to ever slut and are up and down for any and everything under the sun corrupting moral fibers in our wake. TAKE THAT, AMERICA!
I know we’re the magical unicorns of the LGBT rainbow and that’s daunting, but fear not! To help you out, I put together this handy-dandy quiz to see if you’re equipped to handle a normal conversation with an everyday bisexual. Write down your answers and check your score at the end.
You’ve just met a bisexual person in the wild! She introduces herself as Ava and she’s happy to meet you! You say:
a. Great to meet you too, Ava!
b. I love meeting people! Let me buy you lunch!
c. Will you fuck my boy/girlfriend?
Your bisexual friend Maria is lamenting her relationship woes. You:
a. Listen attentively.
b. Offer to buy her lunch AND listen attentively.
c. Offer her to join your s/o for a hot threesome.
You haven’t talked to your bisexual friend Trudy in a while. You say:
a. Hey Trudy, long time no talk! How are you?
b. Bi the way, Trudy, when are we getting lunch?
c. Trudy! I was thinking about how much I want you to fuck my boy/girlfriend!
Your bisexual friend and you are drunk and she suggests a threesome. You:
a. Tell her as hot as that sounds, you should really talk this over when you’re sober.
b. Offer her a late-night meal of her choosing and tell her to ask you about it when you’ve both had less to drink.
c. HOLY SHIT IT’S FINALLY FUCKING HAPPENING
If you answered mostly a’s: You’re a stand up individual! You’ll do well with a bisexual friend. You can shop and talk about boys AND girls. High five!
If you answered mostly b’s: You’re the bee’s knees! It’s a little known secret but bisexuals LOVE food! We also love puns. You’re probably invited to the next pride parade!
If you answered mostly c’s: You should limit your interaction with bisexuals to hook-up apps, and ONLY if they reach out first.
If you didn’t get the answer you were quite hoping for, perhaps work on seeing the person before you see the label. Maybe work through any bias you have. Or if you really want to get to know the bisexual in your life take them out to lunch and ask them about their feelings of bisexual erasure in the media. Or Freddie Mercury. It’s a solid start and you might learn something!