To top it off, this whole thing is fucking up my yoga game.
Even through my five year practice, the hardest lesson in life that I’ve yet to learn is patience.
I stopped doing my regular practice about a month ago because I couldn’t bend my wrist for extended periods of time and if I did, I suffered the consequences. It’s the reason I agreed to surgery. I wanted to start doing those wild inversions you see on the cover of magazines. I was able to do a few before I took my break.
Post surgery, I’ve lost mobility and I’m frustrated healing is taking way longer than I wanted it to.
I bend my left wrist, it easily flops over. I bend my right wrist back, no big deal. I bend my wrist forward, my hand trembles and stops. I stare at the stitches and angle in dissatisfaction. I try to bend it just a little more. Pain radiates on my wrist. I stop.
It feels kind of like that scene in Kill Bill where Beatrice Kiddo first gets out of the hospital and flops herself in the back of the Pussy Wagon, staring at her legs saying, “Wiggle your big toe” except it’s me sitting at my desk staring at my wrist like it’s a petulant child.
Because I know I was able to do this:
But as I am in this moment right now, I can’t.
In all of my pouting, I remember the yoga I’ve learned and the lessons along the way. I’m an avid follower of Yoga with Adriene. One of the things she says during practice is that your body is going to change from day to day. Something you may have been able to do yesterday, you might not be able to do today, and that’s okay. Also, it doesn’t mean that because you can’t do it today, you’ll never be able to do it again.
I’m trying to make a very conscious effort to remember that. I won’t always be in a state of recovery. I’ll be able to do what I want to eventually.
For now, I’m thankful to have put in some of the work before any of this happened because one of the payoffs of practicing is not beating myself up mentally.
I’ve moved from:
Me: Ow, damn it. I can’t do it.
Brain: You failed and everything sucks. Nothing will ever get better again.
Brain: EVER! You’ll never have your dream job and you’ll die alone.
Me: Ow, damn it!
Brain: Listen, you just had surgery. You need to chill.
Brain: There’s nothing wrong with rest. Rest is good.
Me: You’re not wrong….
Brain: Or… You could throw that ass in a circle!
I’m not all the way together and that’s fine, but I’m at least at a point where I’m glad to be more okay with not being okay. Maybe this time is meant to humble me and get me ready for even better things. Maybe it’s time to just lean into a more meditative practice than a physical one. Maybe it’s best just to take a step back and let everything fall as it will and trust that everything will ultimately be okay.
….And maybe throw that ass in a circle while I wait.