Mark Zuckerberg, you nipple-hating son of a bitch, give me more reaction emojis. Facebook has had way too many data leaks and way too many unnecessary updates that no one asked for that it’s a matter of time before it explodes like a dying star. Until that time comes, let me live a little.
The reaction emojis we have now are okay. They’re basic, they get the job done, they’re self explanatory, but I don’t think they encompass a wide range of human emotions. I know as a Lizard Man you think what we have is sufficient, but trust me, it’s not. I have a few to improve the system.
The Side-Eye 😒
Listen, there is a lot of power in a well-placed side eye that will linger on your soul for days. It’s the power of all my collective ancestors in a face. You can practically hear what noise this reaction would make. I don’t want to necessarily get into it with that person, but you know you said some fuck shit, so have a side-eye. If you REALLY said some fuck shit, you will summon the shade of a thousand side-eye reacts. Feel your shame. Feel it!
The Yikes! 😬
Did you see someone get shut down hard? Did someone hit on you that damn well knows they shouldn’t? Did someone say something that made you make the face Jay-Z and sis are making in the GIF above? Introducing the Yikes! It’s basically the cringe reaction emoji, but animated with a bonus of sinking its head back a little to try and distance itself from the fuckery.
The Wank 👌🏼
Just a simple gesture of a hand jerking off. This could come in handy for the upcoming election season.
The Lip Bite 👄
You know those times when your friend posts a banging photo and you really want to gas them up? Would you also low-key (or high-key) fuck that friend? Have a lip bite emoji. It’s reserved for people you’re mad thirsty about or when someone says something extra salacious. Use this one when you’re absolutely confident you won’t receive a side-eye in return.
The Eye Roll 🙄
This would be my most used emoji. Someone comments on a post of yours to do ALL the ‘splaining? No need to launch into your well thought-out essay. An eye roll emoji will suffice. Another lame ass apology from a figurehead? Eye roll. Someone tries to explain something that you literally have your damn doctorate in? You know what to do. This has a versatility of uses depending on your level of shade and jadedness.
The Air Horn 🎉
You just graduated?! You got a new job?! It’s your birthday?! We’re finally in that post-racial society I keep hearing so much about?! *BWAHH BWAHH BWAHHPP!!* I’m waiting for this as a regular ass emoji to be honest, but having it as a react would be fire af too. This only works if the sound is added to it for full effect. How lit would you be checking your notifications knowing all your homies blew you up like that? Though honestly, we could probably also use this to piss off white people in the same way that the vuvuzela did back in 2009.
This is just a small list, but if we can’t have titties on Facebook, we’re gonna need more emojis than what we have to fill the void.