Revisionist History

city new york statue of liberty usa

Revisionist history is about as American as apple pie. As Americans, we’ve been told from the time we were children that Christopher Columbus ‘discovered America’ and not that he was an evil, murderous rapist. We’re told that the pilgrims came over and made peace with the Native Americans when they were slaughtered in droves upon the arrival of the Europeans.

They’ve even tried to tell us in very recent textbooks that Africans ‘immigrated’ here and weren’t violently stolen from their homeland and dropped off in various countries because their colonizers were too lazy to do the work.

This week, hearing about Ken Cuccinelli, the acting director of US Citizenship and Immigration Services, revise the inscription of the Statue of Liberty to reflect rich people’s favorite adage of ‘pulling oneself up by their bootstraps’ instead of needing public funding is disappointing but in no way surprising.

This country is truly going back to its roots by becoming brown again and racists are terrified. Everything that is happening now is in direct response to people of color taking over. From ripping families apart, to gutting funding, even to abortion rights. This is a desperate pull to keep this country’s power in the hands of rich, white men.

To all the people who are looking at the news and feeling really despondent over what’s going on, I want everyone to remember all of this because eventually, we’ll be the majority and we’ll be the ones able to make revisionist history work in our favor. If they can do it, why can’t we?

13th amendment: Neither slavery nor involuntary servitude, except as a punishment for crime whereof the party shall have been duly convicted, shall exist within the United States, or any place subject to their jurisdiction.

Let’s just get rid of the punishment part. It’s so cumbersome. So archaic. Plus it eliminates the need for section 2. Two sections is one too many. Prisons shouldn’t exist in the land of the free. What are we, hypocrites?

2nd amendment: A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.

Everyone gets really touchy about this one, but I’m here for it. We really need to be pushing for more weight reps at the gym. More sleeveless shirts. More strengthening of our arms to bear against those who oppose us! That, or perhaps the founding fathers meant we need to go and have a death match against a bear to get its arms. It’s a little barbaric and only the strong will survive, but if you’re doing your reps you may stand a chance.

26th Amendment: The right of citizens of the United States, who are eighteen years of age or older, to vote shall not be denied or abridged by the United States or by any State on account of age.

Fuck it. You pop out the womb in the good ol’ USA, you can vote. I know babies have no concept of… well… anything, but there’s already a lot of people that should know better and don’t. Like Ken Cuccinelli. So does it really matter?

Of course, I’m being facetious, but instead of getting extra sad and angry about this news know that our time is coming! We’ll be able to revise the hell out of history! But really, it’ll probably just be setting the record straight and telling the truth.

Truth is supposed to set you free, right?

I’m ready for that day.


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