These Things Make Me Automatically Not Trust You

sideeyeri

We judge each other constantly. You do, I definitely do. From where to eat and who our friends are, judgment is with us every step of the way. We need our judgment. It’s gotten us this far as a species.

When it comes to judging others, there are little things in place that make our brains put up red flags to keep us safe. For example, people who are rude to service people get red flags. Other than glaringly obvious behaviors, I want to talk about the smaller yellow flags.

While red flags scream for you to get the fuck out of a situation or away from a person, yellow flags are softer. If you know a person and they exude some kind of behavior that isn’t necessarily bad, but you know you wouldn’t trust them with any of your secrets, heartfelt emotions or children then you have a yellow flag. You know this person, you’re nice to this person, but at the end of the day, it ain’t that deep. Everyone’s list varies when it comes to these yellow flags, so I thought I would put together a listicle of my own personal yellow flags.

Any Tattoos Above The Shoulders

Our skin is the largest organ on the body. We have roughly twenty-two square feet of it. Your skin could fill an average doorway. That’s a gross/cool fact, right? Essentially, you have a doorway’s worth of skin to ink up. Now, I personally don’t have tattoos, but I know if I had one, I would put it either on a leg or somewhere on my torso. Anywhere that I know I could still land a job at the end of the day.

Still, there exist a group of people that decide their first tattoo and sometimes ONLY tattoo is going to be on their neck. Or their face. And I’ve never seen a good neck or face tattoo that has stood on its own. You could have gone with a bicep. Or a leg. Or your back. But your neck? Really?

Exceptions: Tattoo Artists. You’re literally wearing your calling card. I get it. I’ll give this one to Rockstars too, but only by a small margin.

Writing Paragraphs Under Instagram Posts

We live in a time where social media is more relevant than ever in our lives. We have multiple outlets to communicate from. Personally, my favorite medium is Instagram. I get to see sunsets and dance parties and my friends having fun. It’s brief, it’s simple, it’s kind of the best.

Still, there’s that certain echelon of people that want to complicate the process of simplicity by deciding to tell their WHOLE LIFE’S STORY under ONE PICTURE. And if this was just ONE picture, I’d be like “Oh, okay. You’re deep in your feelings,” or “Clearly, this needed context!” (Spoiler: 99% of the time it doesn’t).

Just start a blog. It’s not that hard.

Exceptions: Businesses. The hustle is real.

 

People Who Order Nonfat, No Foam, Extra Hot Lattes

I actually hate you.

Exceptions: None. I’m judging you, Becky.

People Trying WAY TOO HARD With Their Wokeness

“Woke” is the trendy thing to be. Let’s be real. Knowing that ‘Black Lives Matter’ exists as a movement, agreeing that Black Panther IS the greatest Marvel movie ever, knowing exactly why N.W.A. wrote a song called “Fuck Tha Police” and not “Fuck Tha Fire Department”. You get it.

But do you, though?

Listen, I appreciate anyone who is knowledgeable and is taking their time to figure out what the hell is going on around them, but you don’t have to flex those woke muscles at every chance you get. I get it. I do. You want to separate yourself from “those” white people and show that you’re one of the cool whites. But ironically, I trust you a little less because while you may KNOW about these things, what are you doing?

I’m not expecting every single person to show up for the protest. Even I don’t do that. However, if you wholeheartedly believe what you’re talking about, fight injustice when you see it. Even if it makes everyone around you uncomfortable. Don’t just talk a big game. Practice what you preach, because lip service is free.

Exceptions: Baby wokes. They’re so cute. They just want to tell you what they’ve learned. Give the babies more literature!

Anyone Wearing Crocs In 2018

This doesn’t need an explanation.

Exceptions: Service workers. The struggle is ALSO real.

People Vaguebooking

This is a term used for anyone that puts a status that’s so vague and yet gives no explanation as to why they’re feeling the way they feel. When pressed for an answer they don’t want to talk about it. Come on, son.

Exceptions: Rappers about to drop the hottest album of the year.

These might come off as petty, but we all have yellow flags. I’d love to hear yours in the comments. While red flags keep you safe from danger, yellow flags keep you safe from trifling.

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